Having an almost-13-year-old who loves skin care, 30 minute makeup routines, 20 minute showers with every exfoliating body scrub, moisturizing body wash, and deep conditioning hair mask known to woman has made me think a lot about self-care lately. Like, you know, how much I miss it. It’s one of the many things that I took for granted pre-children many moons ago. And you know what’s hilarious? Those Instagram posts showing moms in perfectly lit bathrooms, face masks gleaming, wine glass strategically placed next to a burning candle and a book that’s definitely not a board book about farm animals. The caption reads something like “Sunday self-care vibes! #momlife #selfcaresunday #blessed.”
Meanwhile, I’m reading those posts while hiding in the pantry, stress-eating Goldfish crackers straight from the bag, mentally cataloguing all the things on my ever-growing to do list. My idea of a face mask is yesterday’s spit-up that I haven’t had time to wash off.
The Great Self-Care Myth
Let’s be real about what self-care looks like when you’re a mom… or at least what it looks like for the average mom. It’s not bubble baths and meditation apps – though God bless the optimists who think we have time for either. Self-care is peeing alone. It’s drinking coffee while it’s still hot.
The internet loves to tell us that self-care isn’t selfish, and they’re absolutely right. The problem isn’t that it’s selfish – the problem is that it’s physically impossible. You can’t pour from an empty cup, they say, but what they don’t mention is that someone keeps drinking from your cup while you’re trying to fill it.
The Five-Minute Self-Care Fantasy
“Just take five minutes for yourself!” they chirp. Five minutes. As if five minutes exists in mom time. In those mythical five minutes, I could theoretically do a breathing exercise, but I’d spend four minutes looking for a quiet space and one minute getting interrupted by someone who “really needs” to tell me about a dream they had where dinosaurs ate their homework.
I’ve tried the five-minute meditation apps. You know, the ones with soothing voices that tell you to “find a comfortable position and close your eyes.” The comfortable position is wedged between a pile of unfolded laundry and a pile of Barbies, and closing my eyes is basically sending out a signal flare that says “MOM IS VULNERABLE – ATTACK NOW.”
For the super rare moments that I actually get to sit and relax, maybe read a book (ha! j/k- never have time for that!!), I love this thing right here!! My old back needs a backrest, and this does the trick! The tricky part is keeping my kids from stealing it…. https://amzn.to/3HIvb1u
The Bathroom: The Last Frontier
The bathroom has become the final frontier of maternal solitude, although the solitude is brief. I’ve perfected the art of the bathroom self-care session: sit on the toilet (lid down, obviously – I’m not an animal), scroll through my phone for exactly ninety seconds, and pretend I’m at a spa.
But even this sacred space isn’t safe. There’s always the inevitable knock. “Mom? Mom, are you in there? What are you doing? Can I come in? I need to ask you something really important.” The really important thing is usually something like whether penguins have knees or if they can have ice cream for breakfast.
These products make it seem like I really AM at a spa! Again though, they have a way of disappearing…
When you actually have time for a bath… https://amzn.to/4kMUUo6
When you need some relaxing essential oils (I like to channel my inner calm with lavender oil!)…https://amzn.to/4kc0e3n
Self-Care Sabotage: A Family Affair
My family has an uncanny ability to sense the exact moment I attempt any form of self-care. I could wait until everyone is asleep, tiptoe to the living room with my book and a cup of tea, settle into my reading nook, and within thirty seconds, someone will appear like a self-care-seeking missile.
“Mom, I can’t sleep.” “Mom, I need water.” “Mom, where’s my stuffed elephant?” It’s like they have a sixth sense for detecting maternal relaxation and must destroy it immediately to restore the natural order of chaos.
The Guilt Industrial Complex
Then there’s the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Society tells us we need self-care, but then makes us feel terrible for wanting it. We’re supposed to be grateful for every moment with our precious angels while simultaneously taking care of ourselves. It’s like being told you need to exercise while someone ties your shoelaces together.
I feel guilty for wanting thirty minutes on the elliptical machine or twenty minutes to read. I feel guilty for wishing I could drink my coffee in silence. I feel guilty for fantasizing about grocery shopping alone – not because I need groceries, but because walking through Target without someone asking for everything in sight sounds like a vacation.
Redefining Self-Care: The Survival Edition
Maybe we need to redefine self-care for the reality of motherhood. Real mom self-care isn’t about spa days and yoga retreats (though if someone wants to gift me either, I won’t complain). It’s about survival and sanity in micro-doses.
Self-care is standing in the kitchen at 6 AM, drinking coffee in the three minutes before everyone wakes up. It’s the extra-long shower where you actually condition your hair. It’s ordering takeout instead of cooking because you’re tired, and that’s okay. It’s buying the good chocolate and hiding it behind the baking soda where no one will ever look.
It’s giving yourself permission to be a human being with needs, even when those needs feel impossible to meet. It’s recognizing that taking care of yourself isn’t about being perfect – it’s about being present, and you can’t be present if you’re running on empty.
The Plot Twist
Here’s the thing nobody tells you about mom self-care: sometimes the best self-care is accepting that this phase won’t last forever. The tiny humans who currently function as heat-seeking missiles for any attempt at personal time will eventually learn to entertain themselves for more than thirty seconds.
Until then, we adapt. We find joy in the stolen moments. We celebrate the small victories. We remember that self-care doesn’t have to look like the Instagram posts – it just has to work for us.
And if that means eating chocolate chips straight from the bag while hiding in the pantry, well, that’s between you, me, and the goldfish crackers.
Related Products That Might Actually Help:
When you need to cancel out incessant noise.… https://amzn.to/442VIxX
When you’re reading in the dark… https://amzn.to/4jUCyAm
When you want to wear something that isn’t pajamas or workout wear but still feels like it is... https://amzn.to/44rnAfx
When you don’t want to be disturbed but also don’t want to say “go away”…. https://amzn.to/44iS0BA
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